Escaping the conflict on the home front: Olga in Ukraine

Olga says, ‘I refused to return to my husband because of his cruel attitude. He often beat and abused me and the children.’ Even though, to someone who has never found themselves trapped in a relationship like Olga’s marriage, this may seem a straightforward course of action, for Olga, staying away was exceedingly difficult.

Dependent, guilty and trapped

‘I was very dependent on him,’ she says. ‘I constantly felt guilty about everything, I had no opinion of my own and I had very low self-esteem. The hardest thing was that he took my children with him. He didn't let me see them or even talk to them, to try to influence and manipulate me.

‘I couldn't do anything in this situation, everything that I owned remained under the occupation of the Russian army. The police, the child services and the courts looked at my case for a long time, redirecting it again and again to other authorities. They suggested I just put up with the tyrant and not disturb them.

‘Nobody listened to me. In practice, the help from the state in the "fight against domestic violence" turned out to be ineffective.’

For many women (and men) in situations like Olga’s, they are kept trapped by the abuser in physically, emotionally and psychologically dangerous circumstances through the slow destruction of their strength, their confidence and their ability to make the choices that would help them escape.

Control, coercion and the destruction of confidence

Along with the practical control that an abusive partner or family member often holds – such as through withholding finance and access to children – in many cases, an unseen control exists based on feelings, as Olga describes, of guilt and worthlessness. Though unfounded, these untruths resulting from a constant and deliberate erosion of confidence make it hard to leave.

For someone like Olga to be able to make and then live with the decisions that could save their lives, they need support. And this is exactly what our local partner in Ukraine has been able to provide for her.

She says, ‘I was repeatedly offered the help of psychologists, but for a long time I didn’t accept it because I didn’t believe it would change the situation. I thought, if the police can't help me, what can I expect from a psychologist?!’

Olga also describes her reluctance to have help from a psychologist because of her belief that everything comes from God, and she wasn’t sure how psychology fitted in with her faith.

Growing in strength through support

Eventually though, Olga came to our local partner for help. ‘I made up my mind and went to the team of Tearfund’s partner. Even before my practical situation improved, my perception and my attitude to the situation and to myself changed because of the help.

‘One staff member in particular helped me the most. She was the first person to help me. She listened to me and then went through restorative therapy with me. And it was here that I was able to see the state of things and logically (although not yet emotionally) make a decision that I would not live with the tyrant anymore.’

It was a very difficult, frightening and painful decision for Olga to reach. She says, ‘In many respects, I was still drawn to the relationship. A particularly serious reason for this was that the children were with him.’

But, with support from Tearfund’s partner, Olga is now in a much safer, healthier position.

She says, ‘I have completely separated from this dependent relationship, accepted myself, become confident, raised my self-esteem, and can feel happy under any circumstances and regardless of the situation. I have learnt to enjoy what I have at the moment. The sessions and advice from the psychologist really helped me. Now, I have been in a stable and safe condition for more than a year and two of my children have been returned to me. My other child is still with my husband, but I will continue to fight for his return.’

Read more here and here about how Tearfund is working to end this kind of violence.

If you are worried that a friend, neighbour or loved one is a victim of domestic abuse, you can call the National Domestic Abuse Helpline (UK) for free and confidential advice, 24 hours a day on 0808 2000 247.

*Name has been changed for protection.